Brenda Seltzer found herself
fielding questions about having another child shortly after delivering her son
and while still in the hospital. Despite her family's inquiries, she felt
overwhelmed by the idea of a second child so soon after giving birth.
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| Only-child families are on the rise, but parents say their choices are still looked down on |
"At that moment, I was like, 'He was just born. Why are we talking about another one?'" Seltzer, 33, shared with HuffPost. Her initial assumption had been that she and her husband would have two children, but the reality of her difficult birth experience, which required a blood transfusion, and the financial strain of full-time work and expensive preschool costs made them reconsider.
"We began to question the idea of having a second child. The birth was
challenging, we both work full time, and we didn't have much family support
nearby," explained Seltzer.
For Brenda Seltzer and her husband,
opting to have only one child has allowed them to allocate resources towards
enjoyable family experiences, such as a pre-COVID cruise and a family season
pass to Disney World. They relish the quality time they can spend with their
son outside of work.
"We have a strong bond with him," Seltzer expressed. "We truly cherish our time together." Ultimately, having "just" one child has proven to be the ideal choice for their family.
Their decision is part of a growing
trend in the United States. Data from the Pew Research Center shows that the
percentage of mothers in their later childbearing years who have one child has
doubled from 11% to 22% between the mid-1970s and 2015. The COVID-19 pandemic's
much-discussed "baby bust"
may further accelerate this trend, as more parents delay or reconsider
expanding their families due to financial, logistical, or emotional
considerations.
For many parents, the choice to
have a single child boils down to understanding and respecting themselves and
their unique circumstances.
Amanda Pacovsky, 36, who has a 7-year-old daughter with her husband, emphasized that she opted to prioritize her mental health over having additional children. Struggling with undiagnosed postpartum depression and anxiety took a significant toll on her well-being, leading her to conclude that she could not endure that experience again.
Parents who have chosen to have
only one child often feel frustrated when their decision is judged or
trivialized. They want others to understand that they are just as happy with
their family structure as those with two, three, or more children.
Amanda Pacovsky's decision was also
influenced by her desire to provide her daughter with opportunities for
extracurricular activities. Currently, her daughter participates in
cheerleading and running, and they have also enrolled her in soccer and dance
without worrying too much about the cost.
“We are definitely not wealthy,” Pacovsky emphasized. Opting to have only one child has provided them with some financial flexibility—a relief for any American parent, considering the high cost of raising children. The average cost to raise a child from birth to age 17 exceeds $230,000, and this figure doesn't even include college expenses.
While Pacovsky and her husband are
content with their decision, she is struck by the skepticism from others. Many
people in her life either do not understand or assume that she must not be
happy with her family arrangement.
Like Seltzer, Pacovsky has faced
years of having her decision dismissed. Family and friends often suggest that
she will eventually change her mind or mention the debunked stereotype that
only children are spoiled. Some have even questioned what will happen to her
daughter when she and her husband pass away. To counter these misconceptions,
Pacovsky started a popular Instagram page dedicated to one-and-done parenting
memes, aiming to combat the stigma surrounding only-child families.
One-and-done families express that this stigma is tangible. Despite the increasing prevalence of only-child households, many Americans still view larger families as the "ideal." Approximately 50% of Americans believe that two children is the ideal family size, while 40% prefer three or more children. This perception persists despite research indicating that having a second child does not necessarily increase parental happiness—and may even lead to a decline in women's happiness.
Ultimately, one-and-done parents
are tired of their choices being disparaged or trivialized. They reject the
idea that they are any less satisfied with their family arrangement compared to
families with two, three, or more children. It's important to note that some
families have only one child due to circumstances such as infertility, the loss
of a child, or other factors beyond their control.
"Our son is amazing. I know everyone says that, but our son has changed our lives. He's the perfect blend of both of us," shared Meredith Rufino, 39, about her 6-year-old son. "He brings out the best in my husband. He brings out the best in me. He has truly been a blessing."
Despite her evident joy in
parenting and her deep bond with her son, Rufino's friends and family have
struggled to understand her decision not to expand her family in an attempt to
recreate the same experience.
For Rufino, however, this is not a
consideration. She values her understanding of herself, acknowledging both her
strengths and limitations, particularly in managing depression and anxiety.
"I would rather be a great parent to
one rather than an OK parent to two," she affirmed.
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