The internet is always buzzing with new, catchy terms, some amusing and others with a bit more truth behind them. One of the latest to gain traction is “Gramnesia,” a word that’s resonating with many parents.
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| It’s natural for a grandparent to have a “foggier memory" about how difficult child-rearing had been for them, says Allie McQuaid, a therapist and mother. SBDIGIT via Getty Images |
If you’re a parent of young kids, especially a millennial, this might hit home for you.
What Exactly Is 'Gramnesia'?
“Gramnesia” is a mash-up of the words "grandparent" and "amnesia." It’s a term that humorously describes how grandparents tend to forget what it was really like raising young children. While the origin of this term is unclear, it has been circulating on online forums for quite some time.
The concept gained significant attention when Maryland-based therapist and mother, Allie McQuaid, who goes by @millennialmomtherapist on Instagram, shared a video discussing gramnesia in June.
The video, captioned “I just heard this term called ‘gramnesia’ when grandparents forget what it’s really like having young kids, and I can’t stop thinking about how accurate it is,” went viral, racking up over 4.4 million views and countless comments.
Many parents found themselves nodding along, sharing their own experiences of receiving advice from grandparents that seemed wildly out of touch with modern parenting.
The Impact of Gramnesia on Today's Parents
So why does gramnesia strike such a nerve with millennial parents? Many of them are already navigating a new and often overwhelming landscape of parenting advice, evolving research, and societal expectations.
Then, when grandparents offer comments like, “Oh, you were potty-trained by the time you were 1,” or “You never had tantrums like this,” it can feel invalidating.
Here are some classic examples of gramnesia in action:
“You slept through the night right from the hospital!” – This one comes with a side-eye, as most new parents know that newborns rarely sleep through the night consistently.
“You were potty-trained at 1. It was so easy!” – Potty training often takes time, effort, and patience, and most children aren’t fully trained by 1.
“We gave you rice cereal, and you slept like a champ!” – Pediatric guidelines have evolved, and introducing certain foods too early is not recommended anymore.
According to McQuaid, these comments often stem from two things: changing parenting advice and a foggy recollection of the past. Memories of raising children can become fuzzy as the years go by, and many grandparents may look back with a sort of “euphoric recall,” a psychological phenomenon where we tend to remember past experiences more positively than they actually were.
For parents dealing with tantrums, sleepless nights, and picky eaters, hearing these remarks can feel like judgment. It can make them question their parenting skills and feel unsupported.
Worse, when they try to express their feelings about these comments, they often worry about being labeled as entitled or overly sensitive—labels frequently slapped on millennials by older generations.
Why Does Gramnesia Hurt?
There’s a generational difference at play here. Parenting in the 80s and 90s, for example, looked a lot different than it does today. Pediatric advice has changed, and so have societal expectations. Back then, many moms didn’t have the space to openly discuss the challenges they faced raising kids.
Today, however, millennial parents are more open about the difficulties of parenthood, especially on social media, where discussions about mental health, emotional labor, and parental burnout are common.
When grandparents make these comments, it can feel like they’re diminishing or dismissing the very real struggles of modern parenting. McQuaid points out that these offhand remarks aren’t just frustrating because they’re factually incorrect—they also do nothing to solve the issues at hand.
For example, if a parent is struggling with a fussy baby who refuses to sleep, hearing that they were a perfect sleeper as a baby doesn’t change the reality they’re dealing with now.
Navigating Gramnesia with Boundaries and Understanding
So, what can you do if you find yourself on the receiving end of gramnesia? The answer lies in a mix of communication and setting boundaries.
1. Decide Whether to Address It
McQuaid advises parents to check their emotional capacity before deciding whether or not to confront their parents about gramnesia comments. If you’re already sleep-deprived and stretched thin, it may be best to let it go for the moment. You might find yourself in a better mental space to address it later, but in the heat of a stressful parenting day, sometimes it’s best to smile, nod, and move on.
2. If You Choose to Speak Up, Do So Thoughtfully
If you do feel like it’s worth addressing the comment, McQuaid suggests approaching the conversation with kindness and perspective. Here’s an example of what you might say: “When you said that I never threw tantrums like my child does, it made me question whether I’m doing a good job as a parent.”
This approach opens up a conversation without making your parents feel defensive, and it gives you an opportunity to express your feelings constructively.
3. Know When to Ignore It
Sometimes, the best approach is to let it slide. McQuaid notes that it’s perfectly fine to ignore these comments and instead share your feelings with someone who understands, like your partner, a friend, or even a therapist.
After all, not every remark needs a response, and sometimes preserving your own peace of mind is more important.
4. If You're the Grandparent, Be Supportive
For grandparents, McQuaid offers a bit of advice as well: Acknowledge that your memory might not be 100% accurate, and offer words of support instead. A simple statement like, “You’re doing such a great job,” or “I know it gets easier because I’ve been there,” can go a long way in validating your adult child’s experience as a parent.
How Acknowledging Gramnesia Helped One Family
Let’s look at a real-life example of how gramnesia can play out and how one family successfully navigated it. Jessica, a mother of two, often felt frustrated after spending time with her parents.
Her mother frequently commented on how easily Jessica and her siblings had been raised, comparing it to Jessica’s struggles with her own children.
Jessica finally decided to have a gentle conversation with her mom. She expressed how those comments made her feel unsupported, especially when she was dealing with the daily grind of raising two young kids.
Her mother was initially taken aback but quickly realized that her remarks were coming from a place of nostalgia, not judgment. After the conversation, Jessica’s mom made a conscious effort to be more mindful of her comments and offer support instead of unhelpful comparisons.
This shift in their relationship allowed Jessica to feel more confident in her parenting and more open to asking her mom for help when she needed it.
By addressing gramnesia head-on, they strengthened their relationship and created a more supportive family dynamic.
The Changing Landscape of Parenting
One of the reasons gramnesia is so prevalent today is the evolving nature of parenting itself. Recommendations around infant sleep, feeding, and discipline have changed drastically over the past few decades.
For example, pediatricians once recommended starting babies on solid foods like rice cereal as early as 4 months old. Today, the guidelines suggest waiting until around 6 months and focusing on iron-rich foods instead.
Similarly, “cry it out” sleep training methods were once widely accepted, but now many parents opt for gentler sleep strategies that involve more comforting and fewer tears.
These changes can create confusion and tension between generations. Grandparents may see their children doing things differently and assume that their own way was better, while today’s parents are simply following updated recommendations from pediatricians and child development experts.
Embrace the Support, Let Go of the Criticism
At the end of the day, gramnesia is a harmless but sometimes frustrating phenomenon. The key to navigating it is communication. Whether you choose to address it directly or let it slide, it’s important to remember that your parenting journey is your own.
You’re raising your kids in a different time, with different challenges, and it’s okay if things don’t look exactly like they did when you were little.
As more parents open up about the realities of modern parenting, it’s likely that terms like gramnesia will continue to resonate. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with support—whether that’s from friends, partners, or even the grandparents themselves.
With open dialogue and understanding, you can find a balance between honoring the past and embracing the present.
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