Problem: The Pressure Around Not Drinking
Picture this: you’re at a social gathering, everyone is mingling, drinks are flowing, and you notice someone passing on the alcohol. Without much thought, you ask, "Why aren’t you drinking?" It seems like an innocent enough question, right?
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| It’s OK to just say, "Oh, I don't drink" or "I'm good with just sparkling water!" Thomas Barwick via Getty Images |
For many, it’s a simple curiosity. But for someone who’s chosen to abstain from alcohol, especially if they're on a sobriety journey, this question can be deeply uncomfortable and even emotionally challenging.
Casey McGuire Davidson, now a sober coach and host of The Hello Someday Podcast for Sober Curious Women, remembers this scenario all too well. Before she embraced sobriety, Davidson spent years juggling corporate jobs, work events, and social gatherings.
She was often the one at the party with a glass of wine in hand. But when she stopped drinking, she became the recipient of countless questions and comments from those around her: "Aw, you’re not drinking?" or "Why not just have one?"
For Davidson, these questions struck at the core of her insecurities. Was she only fun when she was drinking? Could she still socialize without a glass in hand? And even worse, was she disappointing others by choosing not to drink?
This scenario is more common than you might think. For those who choose not to drink—whether it's for health reasons, personal growth, or sobriety—fielding questions about their choice can be one of the most challenging aspects of social events. Let’s unpack why asking someone why they aren’t drinking can be so harmful and what we can do instead.
How These Questions Add Unnecessary Pressure
The question "Why aren’t you drinking?" might seem innocent, but for many, it carries a heavy weight. When someone is early in their sobriety journey, especially in a culture where alcohol is often at the center of social interaction, the desire to fit in without drinking can be overwhelming. Davidson explains that the early stages of sobriety are delicate, and the last thing someone wants is to feel singled out.
For those in recovery, these questions can stir up old doubts and anxieties. It can trigger thoughts like, Am I being boring? Will they think I’m no fun anymore? or even Maybe I should just give in and have one drink to avoid the questions. The pressure to conform, to just go along with the group, can make staying sober feel like a daunting task.
Even beyond the world of addiction recovery, people who choose not to drink for health reasons, personal challenges, or simply to feel better, often face an unwarranted level of scrutiny. In many ways, our society still views alcohol consumption as the default, making those who opt out feel like they have to justify their choice.
Davidson shared how, early in her journey, she would often make excuses. "I would tell people I wasn’t drinking because I was driving or because I had an early morning workout," she recalls. But even these harmless white lies often led to more pressure: “Just have one!” or “Live a little!”
It's worth asking ourselves why we feel compelled to question someone’s decision not to drink in the first place. As David Hampton, a sobriety coach and host of The Positive Sobriety Podcast, puts it, alcohol is one of the few substances for which people feel they need to provide an excuse not to use. We don’t expect people to justify why they don’t smoke or use other substances, so why should alcohol be any different?
How to Navigate Social Situations Without Alcohol
So, how can we create a more inclusive and supportive social environment for those who aren’t drinking? The key lies in not making assumptions or putting unnecessary pressure on others.
Let’s explore some practical strategies that both drinkers and non-drinkers can use to navigate these situations.
1. Have a Go-To Response
For those who find themselves constantly fielding questions about why they’re not drinking, having a simple, prepared response can be helpful. Amy Liz Harrison, an author and podcast host who’s been sober since 2011, suggests a lighthearted but effective approach. She often says, "I’m allergic to alcohol—I break out in handcuffs."
Harrison’s witty response works because it usually shuts down the conversation without making a big deal out of it. It's also a reminder that humor can be a powerful tool in disarming uncomfortable situations.
And, as Michael Walsh, a substance use specialist, advises, if humor isn’t your style, you can always offer a practical excuse like, “I’m training for a marathon,” or “I’m on medication right now.” These responses can help move the conversation along without diving too deep into personal reasons.
2. Frame It as a Health and Wellness Challenge
For many people, particularly those early in sobriety, framing their choice as part of a health journey can be an effective way to avoid pressure. When McGuire Davidson first stopped drinking, she told friends she was doing a "100 Day No Alcohol Challenge." This approach helped her set clear boundaries without having to constantly explain her long-term plans.
Interestingly, framing the choice not to drink as part of a health and wellness challenge often shifts the conversation away from alcohol altogether. Friends would begin talking about their own wellness routines—whether it was a new fitness goal or a dietary change—rather than fixating on Davidson’s choice not to drink.
This approach is a reminder that people are often more receptive than we think when we frame our choices in the context of broader health goals. After all, wellness is something most people can relate to, and it can quickly redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic.
3. Change the Conversation
Speaking of changing the subject, one of the most effective ways to navigate an awkward "Why aren’t you drinking?" moment is to simply shift the conversation. Once you’ve responded to the question, follow it up with something like, “So, have you traveled anywhere fun recently?” or “What’s the best book you’ve read this year?”
These open-ended questions naturally steer the conversation away from alcohol and onto more engaging topics. Amy Liz Harrison suggests having a few of these conversation starters up your sleeve so that you can smoothly redirect the discussion without making it awkward.
4. You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation
This is an important one: if you don’t feel like explaining why you’re not drinking, you don’t have to. Sobriety coach David Hampton emphasizes that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for your health and wellness choices.
Just as you wouldn’t expect someone to justify why they go to the gym or eat a particular diet, you don’t need to justify why you’re choosing not to drink.
For those early in their sobriety or simply taking a break from alcohol, this can be a freeing mindset. Remind yourself that your choices are about what’s best for you—and that’s what matters most.
5. Think of It Like a Vegan Lifestyle
Sometimes, thinking of abstaining from alcohol as a lifestyle choice can make the process feel less isolating. Casey McGuire Davidson points out that if someone were a vegetarian or vegan, it would be considered rude to pressure them into eating meat.
In the same way, not drinking should be viewed as a simple lifestyle choice—one that others should respect.
Focus on Connection, Not Conformity
Ultimately, friendships and social connections should never be about whether or not someone chooses to drink. What matters is that you’re showing up for the people in your life and engaging with them in meaningful ways.
Casey McGuire Davidson realized that her presence at social events wasn’t any less valuable just because she wasn’t participating in the drinking. In fact, she found that she could be more supportive, more engaged, and more present without alcohol in the mix.
For anyone questioning whether they’re missing out by not drinking, Davidson’s advice is simple: focus on the things that truly matter in your relationships. It’s about the connection, the laughter, and the memories made—not what’s in your glass.
So the next time you’re at a party and you notice someone skipping the drinks, take a moment to consider how your curiosity might impact them. Instead of asking “Why aren’t you drinking?” focus on enjoying their company and respecting their choices. Because in the end, what we share together matters far more than what we drink.
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