It’s common for parents to blame their child’s bad behavior on a friend they see as a “bad influence.” Since kids often get into trouble in pairs or groups, it’s easy to point fingers. Criticizing another child allows parents to believe their own child is inherently “good” and would not misbehave without the influence of that friend.
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However, this approach has its flaws. Labeling children as inherently good or bad can lead them to believe they are bad people when they make mistakes. Instead, recognizing that all children are fundamentally good but sometimes make poor choices provides room for growth and learning.
Additionally, when parents label a friend as a bad influence, they usually follow up with a ban on seeing that friend. New research suggests this strategy often backfires.
Why banning a “bad influence” friend doesn’t work.
As children enter middle school, they place greater importance on their peers’ opinions while navigating their social world.
Cristine Legare, a psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, explained, “As children get older, their peers become more and more prominent in their physical lives and their psychological lives.” Peer influence is significant and can lead to risky behavior.
For instance, studies show that teen drivers are more likely to have accidents with other peers in the car. In 2022, 56% of teens who died in car crashes were in cars driven by other teens. Most states have since introduced graduated licensing laws to reduce teen car crashes by limiting passengers, leading to fewer accidents. Without peers in the car, teen drivers are less likely to speed or get distracted.
The reasons teens are more prone to making poor decisions with peers involve both social and neurological factors.
Brett Laursen, a psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, noted, “There are neurological changes that take place in the brain that actually increase the salience of input from peers.”
Although removing peers enhances vehicle safety, banning a friend perceived as a bad influence doesn’t improve a child’s social status or behavior. A recent study by Laursen revealed that banning a friend often worsens behavior rather than improving it.
The study followed 562 Lithuanian children aged 9 to 14 over a school year, surveying their behavior and popularity. It found that children whose mothers disapproved of a friend saw no improvement in behavior; instead, it deteriorated. Maternal disapproval of friendships often led to lower social status among peers and increased misbehavior, exacerbating the problem parents aimed to fix.
One reason for this outcome is that losing a friend due to parental disapproval results in a loss of social capital. Laursen explained that having more friends generally means having more influence. Losing a friend reduces influence and makes it harder to form new friendships.
Laursen said, “You need friends to navigate middle school, and so children will do just about anything to keep friends.” Children with few friends are particularly susceptible to peer influence because they fear being friendless.
What parents should do instead.
Laursen emphasized that the study does not intend to judge parental reactions to misbehavior. Forbidding a friendship is a natural response but can have unintended consequences.
“You really don’t want to be in a position of ‘It’s my way or your friend’s way,’ because as children are moving through this time period where age mates become so much more important than parents, you don’t want to put yourself in a position where they have to pick — because you’re not going to win,” Laursen advised.
Laursen suggested cultivating a warm, close relationship with your child instead. “The people who influence us are people that we have warm, close relationships with,” he said.
Making a friendship forbidden can position parents as adversaries, which is often counterproductive, according to Legare.
Instead, parents should aim to be allies and advocates. When a child misbehaves with a peer, parents should seek to understand their child’s choices and the nature of the friendship. This understanding reduces the need for restrictive measures. Parents might ask their child what they value in a friend or what qualities make someone a good friend.
A warm relationship doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries. It’s important to express limits with care and concern.
“If a parent discovers that their 14-year-old was vaping with a friend, instead of banning the friend, they might explain why vaping is concerning and discuss its long-term health effects,” Laursen suggested. Teens want to be treated like adults capable of making informed decisions.
This doesn’t mean condoning vaping or avoiding consequences, like revoking privileges.
Communicating that boundaries are about protection, not anger, is crucial, Legare noted. Understanding a teen’s perspective helps in addressing their behavior effectively. Parents should explore their child’s priorities, fears, and concerns, adapting their approach based on whether the behavior is due to anxiety, curiosity, or peer pressure.
The goal should be to focus on the behavior and maintaining a strong, supportive relationship, increasing the likelihood that the child will seek advice when facing problems.
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